Something Beautiful...

When I saw Big Ben at age 9,

I fell in love.

Leicester Square saw me cry more tears than I have in my life.

Tower Bridge was mine and mine alone for one whole day.

The Thames has watched me chase flying lanterns,

The West end was where I made my biggest life-changing decision to date.

I've watched the sun set and rise again on messy East London nights out,

I've closed down streets and felt more powerful than royalty,

I've felt defeated, useless, and lonely, as well...

I've gotten lost in its fog,

And I've discovered hidden gems.

I've detested this place to destruction

And loved it like my mother.

I've come to know this city intimately.

-Vowed to never leave,

and vowed also to never come back...

And just when I decided to be content with leaving indefinitely,

I gave the most unknown area to me, meaning.

Trafalgar Square & it's South-Western lion.

They've seen me love and allow myself to be loved;

my biggest hurdle to date.

And all it took was that simple realization.

That one little synapse in my brain that gave me that block...

We all deserve that

-To be loved.

We all need that.

Behind everyone,

No matter what their lifestyle

- Be it Promiscuous,

Monogamous,

Polyamorous...

whatever...

It's love.

It's never mindless penetration.

It's never just sex.

It's that feeling of being appreciated.

Respected.

-Even when you want to be treated like that

dirty cum-eating slut that you are,

it's respect.

To honor someone's body...

Treat it like a cut diamond...

Wanting only to give that person pleasure.

To make them happy.

To give them the deepest pleasure and happiness you physically can...

It may not always be 'love' in the Disney sense,

But it's loving.

That's a lover.

And until 'love' is found,

Loving is equally as great.

No matter which way you do it,

As long as there's love...

That is all.

Those days are over.

Those days of nervous stuttering due to self judgement.

I know what I know.

I only have positive intentions for those I surround myself with.

I will not be made to feel inferior.

I will not judge the words that come from my mouth.

Nor do I do that to others.

I stand tall.

My lungs flow easily and to their full capacity.

My arms reach out to others to nurture and protect.

I am a haven.

I am a rock.

I am the sea.

I flow to and fro

But always have that healthy medium where my waters lay still.

That little synapse has clicked.

And now that the change has happened,

I can already feel that it will never go back...

Perhaps growing up never hearing,

'I love you'

Affected me...

But what a blessing that is...

To actually have to learn on my own what that word means,

Decide what it is...

Create in my mind what that word entails...

And,

you know...

I still haven't figured it out.

And that's kickass!

That gives me a lot of opportunity to find out...

And at this point,

All I know is what it definitely is not,

Not what it definitely is.

It's not a marriage out of convenience.

It's not a lack of communication.

It's not waiting for things to change,

And it's not a demand for the other to change.

It's not not saying something to protect the other's feelings.

It's not playing smaller to give the other more power.

It's not staying because you like the home you've created,

And it's not staying because you made a vow in the eyes of a god.

It's definitely not owning someone,

And it's not being together for fear of being alone.

It's not passive aggressiveness.

It's not a worry of what others think,

And it sure as hell ain't holding on for the man he once was.

'Only one thing in this life is constant,

And that's change.'

What I do know is that it consists of having a similar goal.

I know it's a powerful partnership.

I know it's the ability to work as a team and create positive change.

I know it's respect

Care

Admiration

Desire

Passion

Inspiration

And a want to always make the other happy.

Love is a meal cooked just for you

-Amongst any other talent you wish to share.

Love is a balance of yin and yang within each other

and within one's self.

Love is a desire to impress,

Because you know that the more you impress, the more you grow.

And the more you both grow, the more you both improve.

And the more you both improve- the more the world benefits.

'Give love to beget more love'...

So...

That's what it was like...

It's easy to not recognize it...

Because you get swept away in that positive flow...

Hm...

I 'should' be sad you're gone...

But we really milked that time for all it was worth, didn't we...?

We knew there had to be an end at one point,

so we milked it...

Naked bodies touching,

The drone of two men talking and laughing...

Dim pink light in a black and white room...

We only miss people when we feel there's something more we want to express

I'll be better when I'm older.

I can only hope that with age comes knowledge.

One thing that I have learnt is

that all these years that I've wanted to write something beautiful

don't matter.

Just the intention of wanting to write something beautiful is enough.

Now,

I want to write you something beautiful,

but I won't.

Because the more I say,

the less I truly say.

So...

Let's just leave it at that,

shall we...?